Parents and Admissions: The Helpful, The Harmful, and the Huh?

So there’s a whole lot of college chatter in my house right now. The baby is a rising junior who’s future is completely and totally up in the air (as we don’t have a clue what his board scores are going to be).

I also spent some time on the phone with a family friend, trying to teach her how to use College Board’s Matchmaking tool (a pretty awesome, though oftentimes incredibly optimistic tool) for her son. It didn’t go so well. I plan on showing her how to use it in person.


But I digress:

The thing is, parents, even one’s who aren’t totally savvy, often want to be involved in the college application process.

Which, honestly, is usually a good thing. Having involved parents can really help the process along. But, at the same time, overly involved or under informed parents can make the choice a lot less about you and a lot more about them.

So here are some things to know about having involved parents in your process, and how to handle them when they’re out of line.

The Helpful.

Having involved parents can be really great. They can help a lot when you’re touring (as they’re a reliable mode of transportation), and will be pretty in-tune with what schools you like and what schools you don’t like.

Having involved parents can also be really useful for financial reasons. If your parents are honest and upfront with you from the get-go, it can help relieve some of the financial aid heartbreak that can come from getting into a school you can’t afford.

Though you really should try to handle as much of the admissions process on your own as you can (because any contact you make will be recorded, and it shows maturity if it’s coming from you), they can help with some of the scarier things.

If they’re supportive of your choices, and aren’t controlling, they can make school selection pretty easy. Even if you don’t have the best relationship with your parents, they do know you, and they can help parrot back your feelings.

And although I know you’re all mature, upstanding citizens, we all need a kick in the pants from time to time, and if education is a priority in your house, your parents can really help motivate you.

So having involved parents has a lot of benefits. But here are some of the negatives.

The Harmful.

I would say the number one way parents can harm their child’s application process is to overestimate or over-expect the caliber of school their child can apply to.

I know a ton of people who had parents who made them apply to every single ivy league school, only to be angry or disappointed when their child was rejected from each one.

If your parents are out of touch with the process, they may not understand why applying to certain schools is a waste of time and money. Try to explain it to them. Especially emphasize the financial part of it (you’re paying the school for the opportunity to reject you and lower their admissions rate, thus raising their appeal and hurting you).

Emphasize the schools that are realistic for you, and talk about their positives.
Don’t let your parents make you feel like a failure.

If your parents are really pushing and won’t let you get a word in edge wise, go meet with your guidance counselor during school without your parents and tell them what’s going on. They will understand the situation, and will give you realistic school suggestions.

If your parents are pressuring you away from the schools you like to the schools they like, you have to remember that this is your life and you have to pick a school that makes you happy. Your parents can’t expect miracles out of you, and it’s just not possible to make your (possibly) delusional parents happy.

If your parents are being financially withholding (you have to get into school ABC or you’re going to community college) without good reason (ex: the money is there for you to go to school, but they’re only willing to spend it on “approved” schools, or they’ll only pay for application fees if you apply to the schools they like), remember you have to choose your battles. As annoying (and ridiculous) as it is to apply needlessly to their dream school, if you are cooperative they will probably cut you some slack and let you apply to the schools you like as well. A tip for that: Point out that you’re simply increasing your chances of getting into an awesome school.

The Huh?
Another way a parent can be harmful is to harass the school. Don’t send bribes, or emails, or cookies, or threats to the admissions office. You’ll become “That kid with the crazy parents.” Always be very polite and professional to the admissions reps (or, really, anyone from the school). As I said before, you should handle things yourself when applying, only have your parents contact the school as a last resort.

They also might gossip about where you’re applying rather than where you’re actually going to get in. Talk to them, use clichés (un-hatched chickens and all that), and if they’re talking about unrealistic schools, just tell them to low-ball their friends so they’ll be surprised later.

In general, be really honest (brutally honest) with your parents about your chances at various schools.
Remember that you are the one who has to attend, and your opinion matters the most.

And cut your parents some slack, they really want what’s best for you.