My two cents: Relationships, Long Distance, and College

For whatever reason, in the Admissions section of Tumblr, I seem to be the go-to person for relationship problems.

Specifically, long distance relationship problems. It’s something I have experience with, and I love answering all of your questions.

And today I’m going to take my position as the Patti Stanger of Tumblr seriously. I’m about to lay on some real hard-core advice on all of you

So here are my two cents about relationships and college.

First: Your past experience doesn’t matter as much as you think it does

Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

So when you’re in high school you’ve known everyone forever. They know every intimate detail of your life. Which means that your romantic status (never been kissed, never had a boyfriend/girlfriend, still a virgin, etc.) is public knowledge.

So if you’re insecure about your experience (or lack thereof) don’t be. Really.

Because if you don’t tell anyone, nobody will know. Not that it’s shameful or anything, but really, it’s not a big deal. I’ve had a lot of friends who had their first boyfriend/girlfriend in college, and it’s not a big deal.

Sex is a slightly bigger deal, but, again, if you don’t tell anyone they won’t ever know. Nobody cares half as much as you do.

Just do what you’re comfortable with, and know that waiting for the right time is usually worth it.

Second: Hook up culture is real; so don’t get your heart stepped on

Hook up culture is, basically, when people like to have a lot of no-strings-attached flings and avoid actually dating.
In high school hooking up at a party often meant that you were “dating” now.
In college hooking up at a party doesn’t even mean they know your name. It means they were drunk, dancing, and you were there.

Basically, you’re not “official” until you’ve had a real talk about being exclusive. And being exclusive, still, isn’t an indication of someone being your bf/gf. Get that in writing (kidding). Talk to people about your relationship. Monogamy is not implied in college.

If hook ups aren’t your style, don’t worry about it. They’re not everything and they’re not the only thing. But they are very common. 

Third: Long Distance Sucks

Perhaps the most common question I get is, “Should I break up with my high school boyfriend/girlfriend?”

The thing is, my knee-jerk answer is usually yes, you should. But I also have a lot of anecdotal evidence to the contrary (such as my parents, who were high school sweethearts and are still together, or my older sister and her BF of nearly 7 years).

Long distance requires a lot of effort. And it’s not even self-control, gotta keep from cheating (which is, of course, sometimes an issue) effort.

It’s effort to stay in touch. Effort to know about all of the mundane things in each other’s lives. Effort to remain close, despite distance.

You’re going to change a lot this year, and you might end up being a completely different person than you were in high school. Which means that your perfect match may not be as well-suited to you as they once were.

When I was a freshman, about 8 of the 25 girls on my hall were in long distance relationships in August. Only 1 actually lasted past Thanksgiving, and she went home every other weekend to see him.

So if you want to try it, try it. But you have to be prepared for the aftermath if it doesn’t work out. Because it probably won’t.

Fourth: When it comes to long distance, make sure you’re still happy

So you’ve decided to try a long distance relationship. It’s working out okay. You’re not thrilled, but it’s just part of life now. You’re not going to cheat. It just… is.

You might feel stagnant. You might feel unhappy. And you might sit around hoping that your bf/gf screws up so you have an excuse to break up.

Well, here’s the thing. Long distance relationships are a lot of work. So you need to make sure that you’re getting enough out of the relationship relative to what you’re putting in.

When my HS boyfriend of two years and I broke up, after a year of long distance, it wasn’t because either of us had done anything wrong. I just wasn’t happy, and I didn’t want to put in all of the work for a relationship I wasn’t happy with.

Fifth: Sometimes long distance is worth it

The thing is, for all that long distance sucks, sometimes it does work. Sometimes you really love someone, and even though you’d rather be with them, you can survive just texting and skyping and facebooking each other a few months out of the year.

Even though it would be awesome to have them there at school with you, just because someone is there doesn’t mean they’re right for you.

I can’t tell you what you’re feeling. So pay attention.
I had one long distance relationship that made me very unhappy, and one that’s going to be long distance soon that I’m okay with.

There’s no one-size fits all approach.

Just be careful and don’t wait for a catalyst. Be in touch with your feelings. Think about if they’re a “just for now” type of person who you date because they’re there and interested, or a “who knows a few years from now” person who you love and have a great relationship with.

The bottom line:

Be careful when you’re dating in college. Be smart. Make sure you’re happy and comfortable. Don’t take anything for granted. Relationships are hard. But the great ones are worth it.