Preventing a Civil War: Top 3 Ways to Survive Living With A Roommate

College is a time of exploration. Growth. Transition. Learning. Trial and error. Life experiences you will get no where else.

And one of these experiences is living with a roommate.

Most college students will spend at least one year living with a stranger. You’ll probably be paired up by the school, but you might have self selected from Facebook or 6 degrees of separation (You know, “Oh my best friend from waterskiing camp when I was 12 is going there! You should meet up!”).

No matter how you were paired, it doesn’t change the fact that for many freshman, they’re living in a 12x10 space for a year with a complete stranger.

Personally, my freshman roommate and I lived together wonderfully. We were a facebook match (into similar things, but not competing with each other, compatible personalities and schedules) who lived together so well we went on to live together sophomore year (though I’m living in my sorority house as a Junior so we are breaking up the band for a year. Sad. I know).

While you hope for the best, there are a few ways to boost your chances of having a successful (or at least manageable) freshman roommate relationship.

1.    Be honest on your surveys

This is perhaps where the biggest mistakes are made. There are plenty of people who fill out the surveys for housing with what they “wish” or “hope” to be, or with how they believe they will change when college rolls around. Just be honest and objective about yourself. It will make you a lot happier.

Even worse are the people who fill out their surveys because they’re trying to game the system. Do NOT do that. Some examples of gaming the system are:

I know several sloppy people who said they were “neat” on their surveys in hopes of getting a roommate/maid. That doesn’t actually happen. What you get is a whole lot of screaming arguments about leaving your crap everywhere.

Similarly, there are people who go to bed late because they’re working but say they’re “early risers” because they don’t want party animal roommates. Another situation where that will not work out and it will be your fault.  

If you are a smoker who tries to hide it from their parents, don’t put “nonsmoker” on your survey. Once again, you’re going to make your roommate miserable and it will be your fault.

Just be honest about yourself and your habits. Don’t think you’re suddenly going to become a neat-freak in college if you’re messy at home. Honesty will work out in your favor.

2.    Use your words

This is a life strategy that almost always works out. Don’t expect your roommate to be a mind reader. Don’t let them walk over you if they’re taking advantage.
Some examples of this:
Many people will be super passive aggressive about things like cleaning or food. If something your roommate does bothers you, tell them. If you feel like they’re not pulling their weight, talk to them. Don’t accuse. Ask and explain. For example, my roommate and I share a Britta filter that we keep in our fridge. Sometimes months will go by where I am the only one who fills it, which can be frustrating. But if it’s bothering me, I tell my roommate “hey, I’ve been doing the Britta, can you do it when you get a chance?” It works.

This works with going to bed. If you want to go to sleep while they’re still up, just ask them to switch to their lamp. If you’re really light sensitive, buy a sleep mask.

Another big one is the infamous sexile. You know, sexual exile. You need the room, they need the room, it’s a part of life (in fact, I’d call it the circle of life). First of all, nobody likes to be surprised by their roommate getting it on. If you need the room, text them. It can be as simple as “Hey, can I have the room for a few hours?” Be polite. Be reasonable. Also, don’t kick them out overnight if you can help it, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask them to come back at 2AM on a Saturday. It’s less reasonable to ask them to stay out all night on a Wednesday. Golden rule. Also, your roommate has activities and class times. Work around their schedule. But always ask.

3.    Don’t expect too much

Everybody wants to make friends, and having your roommate be a friend seems like a no-brainer. But don’t go in with high “we’re going to be best friends” expectations (even if you picked each other).

The vast majority of freshman roommates end up in the middle of the Love-Hate spectrum. They’re friendly, but not friends, or they don’t really get along, but they don’t hate each other.

You should expect to cohabitate with them. If you end up being friends, that’s great! But don’t rely on them for that and don’t expect it to just happen.

If you have good vibes about getting along, do some “roommate bonding” like getting meals together or watching TV or going to movies. If you two don’t get along, just be polite and friendly and know that you only have to be there a few more months.

My roommate and I are close friends. But the running gag in our lives is we spend next to no time together outside of our room, to the point where several of our mutual friends have never actually seen us in the same place at the same time. It’s not because we don’t love each other, it’s because we are both incredibly busy and have very different schedules (I finish class for the day when she wakes up, I start rehearsal when she ends rehearsal, etc). We have a few cute little traditions (like that we watch Friends together if we’re both home for the night, and clapping to the theme song is NOT optional), but neither of us expects the other one to hang out on the weekends (different friend groups). Be realistic about your expectations for your roommates, and you’ll be a lot happier.

Roommates can be a scary idea, but they’re people too. With a few exceptions, most people are reasonable if you have realistic expectations and are honest with them. Communication is key to a successful roommate relationship.
And if you’re paired with a real whacko nutjob? Talk to your RA or the head of housing. Squeaky wheel gets the grease.