Hard Topics: Friends and College Applications

At some point late in junior year to early senior year (and again in March/April senior year), you are going to realize that your friends can talk about nothing but college. Where everyone is applying. What everyone’s chances are. Where you hope you get in. What your essays are. Your opinions on different schools.

While college is an endlessly fascinating topic (among my favorites if you couldn’t tell), these conversations might be doing you more harm than good.

So here are some college topics you should avoid discussing with your peers.

1. Oh did you hear where she got in?

            OR: “They were undeserving/unqualified”

This is more of a December (early decision)/March (regular decision) topic.

It’s also ambiguous. If you’re going to talk about it constructively (I’m so proud of him/her! Wow can you believe that scholarship? That’s so awesome!) go ahead. It’s really cool to be proud of your classmates accomplishments, and honestly, if it’s someone you’re comfortable complimenting, go for it (a girl in my AP Lit class got into Princeton early and we clapped when she walked in).

When/Why you shouldn’t talk about it: If you’re going to be negative, it’s only going to be hurtful to them (because they will hear it) and diminish their accomplishments. To be perfectly honest, you don’t know their lives or their situations. It might be a family connection, it might be a special program, they might be ¼ Native American, or they may have gotten amazing board scores that they kept quiet.  You just can’t know. They’ve already gotten their acceptance, and talking about how they didn’t “deserve” it just sounds like sour grapes. It’s not constructive, it’s just harmful.

2. Neither can live while the other survives

            OR: We’re demographically exactly the same, only one of us is going get in. This is a tricky one. Often times you have friends who are very similar to you in your grades/activities/backgrounds/tastes. This can lead to some sticky situations where you are applying to all of the same schools. When you get to very competitive schools, oftentimes there will be speculation about quotas (ex: They only take 1 girl a year from our school).

Why you shouldn’t talk about it: First of all, you don’t know for sure if the “quota” is rumor or reality.  So you shouldn’t be too worried about that because you can never know for sure (ex: There was talk in my high school for years that Harvard only ever took 1 kid every 4 years, but then we got 3 in over 2 years). Secondly, this creates unnecessary competition between friends. It’s out of your hands, so don’t’ worry about it. Finally, this is going to lead to some blame, guilt, or resentment if one gets in and the other doesn’t. Don’t force that strain on your friendship, don’t talk like that.

3. Wait you applied there?

            Or: I thought you were dumber/smarter than that

While hopefully this one won’t come up, I know that I encountered it/overheard a lot of that in my high school. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I thought this a lot, because a lot of people would apply to a lot of similar schools (Colorado, Arizona, Indiana) and then a weird/”lottery”/outlier (usually Cornell) a practice which continues to baffle me to this day.

On the flip side, I know at least one of my friends was told, to her face, that she under-applied and was “smarter” than the schools she was applying to.

Why you shouldn’t talk about it: Again, because you don’t know people’s situations. Maybe they’re applying to these schools for financial reasons. Maybe it’s a fit thing where they would rather go to a school where they are a bit academically overqualified because they like the social atmosphere. Maybe they’re taking a chance on a lottery school (which, again, I don’t recommend because you’re helping them more than they’re helping you). Because you don’t know their full situation, who are you to judge?

It’s okay to talk to your friends about college. You can talk about your package (scores, ECs, grades) with them. You can tell them your list. You can even talk about schools you’ve visited (though don’t be overly negative… someone told me that their opinion of my school was “It’s fine, I could apply there as a safety but hopefully I won’t go.”

But spreading rumors, judging, comparing, and gossiping is going to hurt a lot of people without actually helping anyone.

College is interesting, talk about it all that you wish, but be constructive and supportive, not catty and speculative.